Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Like a Bird on a Wire

Things are not "going well". My car needs a new engine, my ex is two months behind in his payments and is VERY effective at ignoring my messages. I have not heard back from my lawyer and I feel like there is a very heavy weight pushing on my chest and rocks tied around my feet, pulling me under water.
I am fighting it. I am trying. I am trying to see the positives and enjoy the "little moments" and I am so very grateful for all I have. But I need a break. I need something in my life to work. If one aspect works out, I feel like I could handle the other parts with some amount of grace. Cause its not graceful now. It's a mess.
I am not a crier and I feel like I have spent two weeks bawling my eyes out for some reason or another. I feel hopeless and I usually can find the silver lining and the hope. I want to be that person again but I feel like I am trying to claw my way out of a black hole and that is a very overwhelming way to feel.
Feeling that way makes me make rash choices, trying to cling on to some sort of comfort and support. But i know it isn't right for me. I do okay during the week, but by the weekend I just want something for myself. So I give time to someone who isn't good for me because they give me time and make it easy to have someone there. But easy doesn't make it right, and their attitude and lackadaisical attitude of letting me do everything gets old quickly. Stopping would be smart, but its the only adult contact I have. I have to do into island mode, but its very difficult to purposely isolate yourself when you already feel isolated.

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