This year has been a lot about me making strong and steady moves towards my self improvement. Some were easy, switching to earth friendly products for cleaning and makeup, some were not, I have stopped using sugar in my coffee Monday-Friday and switched to oat milk. While I had hoped these changes would suddenly see me dropping weight and revealing the shiny, gorgeous girl within- they didn't. They are good choices though, and probably will show results in the long run, so I am sticking with them.
Cutting out online dating has been the hardest. My phone and iPad and pretty quiet now, due in part to my lack of close friends and my new unwillingness to bs. I am learning that is ok. I am coming to terms with a lot of the fear, and making decision based on how it will serve me and the kids later. I am not missing out any more, maybe my life was just missing the celebration of me.
Wednesday 8 May 2019
Saturday 4 May 2019
Balancing Act
It has been a long, long time since I wrote. Years? So why the change? Why return to this format? Cause I have a voice, and while I don't have anyone close to share my experiences with- maybe someone will see this and it will help them.
Little update? I am a single mom of two. My kids are 7 and almost 5, we have been the three of us for 4 years. I have uncontested full custody and their father decided to have 0 contact after he left. I am a teacher, but not a permanent one, so I have to reapply every year and hope I get something, and I run a community theatre company.
Back to the now: I have been dating via online dating since my divorce, and it was how I met people before my marriage as well....so a good decade. I did it because I live in a small town and wanted to increase the chance of meeting some one. I have met a number of people- but something is missing.
As I have found my self worth, through working out and meditation and much soul searching, meeting people online feels flat. It's surface and often highly dissatisfying and sometimes scary. True, I have met a couple of men I actually enjoy and view as friends, but the magic I am looking for - that deeper connection- it's absent.
It doesn't feel right anymore. So this week I stopped. Doesn't seem that big of a deal, but choosing to walk away comes with a good deal of fear and FOMO.
Fear and FOMO: I how am I, a busy single mom, ever going to meet the man of my dreams but ceasing to look? I might as well admit defeat and face the rest of my life alone. What if I leave and the person I am supposed to be with never can find me.
My reality: in the decade of online dating, I haven't found what I am looking for. Most of my friends that have met their partners met them by accident. If I am ever going to trust in my own power and the power and law of attraction and synchronicity, I need to blindly trust that the universe will bring what's needed in my life in the right time. It's not going to be easy, fighting my fear, but I am going to document my progress and let you know if I am able to find the magic I seek.
My dad reminded me the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results. So I am changing what I do.
Little update? I am a single mom of two. My kids are 7 and almost 5, we have been the three of us for 4 years. I have uncontested full custody and their father decided to have 0 contact after he left. I am a teacher, but not a permanent one, so I have to reapply every year and hope I get something, and I run a community theatre company.
Back to the now: I have been dating via online dating since my divorce, and it was how I met people before my marriage as well....so a good decade. I did it because I live in a small town and wanted to increase the chance of meeting some one. I have met a number of people- but something is missing.
As I have found my self worth, through working out and meditation and much soul searching, meeting people online feels flat. It's surface and often highly dissatisfying and sometimes scary. True, I have met a couple of men I actually enjoy and view as friends, but the magic I am looking for - that deeper connection- it's absent.
It doesn't feel right anymore. So this week I stopped. Doesn't seem that big of a deal, but choosing to walk away comes with a good deal of fear and FOMO.
Fear and FOMO: I how am I, a busy single mom, ever going to meet the man of my dreams but ceasing to look? I might as well admit defeat and face the rest of my life alone. What if I leave and the person I am supposed to be with never can find me.
My reality: in the decade of online dating, I haven't found what I am looking for. Most of my friends that have met their partners met them by accident. If I am ever going to trust in my own power and the power and law of attraction and synchronicity, I need to blindly trust that the universe will bring what's needed in my life in the right time. It's not going to be easy, fighting my fear, but I am going to document my progress and let you know if I am able to find the magic I seek.
My dad reminded me the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results. So I am changing what I do.
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