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I have been on vacation visiting my baby sister and her husband with my parents. It's been a lovely, tiring and rewarding trip. I have done a lot of self reflecting and have decided not to telephone Disappeared's dad. If he doesn't contact me, I am not meant to know. I am trusting the great beyond to do what is meant. I am glad I sent the letter but it's enough now. If I am meant to know, if he is  meant to be- it will happen. The fact that I believe that again is the greatest gift. My restored fate lets me know my sense of self and my purpose is returning.

Down in the Dumps

Okay, initially I was going to take a break from online dating for the summer and now it's been confirmed. I had a brief up yesterday when I was matched with a guy who seemed great.....but he was just like the rest. Hope that I will find anyone fantastic for me and the kids is dwindling. I want to have faith that someone amazing ( disappeared) is just in the wings, but it's getting harder.

Also, the feeling of being self sufficient and strong is slipping. Doesn't help that my mother basically said I couldn't handle it. I don't want to, I would rather have a partner- but I don't. Her undermining, constantly paying, freaking out and micromothering my kids while on this vacation is not helpful. I know I should be grateful, but I already feel like a failure and it just makes it worse. We are at the home of the perfect one, and I am the screwup tagging along for the visit. Negative self talk is seeping in.

Negative thoughts don't help, but I am tired and I don't know what else to do. I suppose just try and prove them wrong and hope tomorrow is better...

Fighting History

We arrived safely. I had a lot of time to think on the way here. The kids did an amazing job and have been having a great time. They have enjoying splash parks, playgrounds and lots of attention. I had a rough day yesterday. The online dating has been discouraging and I am trying to remember not to take it personally. It sure feels as if the universe is trying to keep me hanging on to Disappeared. Which is a bad conclusion, but I sort of feel like if there is no exciting options out there I must be suppose to look backward.
 I was pretty bummed out yesterday, but today is better. I had fun with my kids at the park and I am so happy to be visiting my sister. Sometimes that can be an issue. My sister has it all-beautiful career, amazing house, lovely husband and it is hard not to see myself as a spectacular failure. I try not to be jealous, but she has often had things fall perfectly into place for her. All that is missing are children, and although it isn't happening exactly like she wants- I know that will be perfect too. She deserves it- she works hard and is a very giving person. I truly am happy for her- but I also would like that for the kids and me.....

The Journey

My parents are two of the best people I know. Not only have they helped to tidy up the end of my marriage, they give of themselves in a big way to my kids. One of the biggest ways is coming up tomorrow. We are going on a trip to visit my sister three provinces away, it's an 18 hour drive. We are planning on going straight through, with a three and one year old. They are brave.
Fifteen years ago, my parents made almost the same journey with my sister and I to drop me at university. It's a place I found some true friends, fell in love and lost it- plus myself- along the way. There is nice symmetry in returning now that I have found myself again.
I sit watching the clouds drift in to prepare for rain and try to be open to whatever is out there. Letting go of something I held onto for so long is going to take some work....especially since I am still wrestling with feeling like this was how it was suppose to go. I think it must be the suppressed romantic inside me-it would make an epic love story. Fell in love in university, separated by circumstance, distance and time, both try to move on- only to rediscover the love they had lost so long ago. Movies have been made based on less. But the reality is a lot more sad and far less inspiring.....maybe my story is somewhere in between the two.
What I do know is that I will never settle for less than extraordinary again. My children and I deserve to benefit from the lessons it's taken me a long time to learn.

Letting Go

 I have waited. I have waited for 13 years, some of that passively, some actively. I waited and searched and tried to forget and waited and searched some more. Why? Because I felt more in moments with him then I did in the years I spent with others. Some of that might be the rosy gleam of nostalgia, but a lot of that is real. I gave up once, gave up trying to find it because nothing came close and I got tired. But I won't give up again- but I will let go.
I am letting Disappeared go. His father couldn't be bothered to send me a simple email, phone call or letter that said " he is happy" and I have since found out which province he is in, that he is not on Facebook, and that he was still married three years ago. That might be all I get. And I have to find a way to be okay with that. My intrinsic belief that our souls are connected and that we are meant must be laid down if I ever hope to be happy and find a love that felt as right as that one did.
I suppose it is strange to write more about an affair that lasted a few weeks, instead of a marriage that lasted 5 years, but one taught me what love was and the other what it wasn't. I signed my separation papers and they will be filed tomorrow. While a bit sad, I feel more lonely by the mere fact that I don't feel anymore alone then I did married. I do, however, feel more me.
My goddess deck keeps urging me to trust and let go- so I will. I will let go and hope that my belief will lead me to something bigger, something beautiful, something that I don't have to lose and look for because it's found me and it's mine. So here is to taking a breath and letting go.

Empty chairs

So one of my best friends left this morning. We were suppose to take a trip to the province I went to school in, but with the ex stealing money and wasting it on things- that didn't happen. As soon as M found out, she decided to come see me.....which turned out perfectly. She provided some much needed support while I attempt to sort out and finalize my life alone.
I now see how a working partnership could be- with M here, I had someone else to spell me off when I got tired and to talk and laugh with when the kids were distracted or in bed. I realized I hadn't had that in a very long time.
I also got to go out, at night, twice, with Grownups!!! Prompting me to find myself a wicked sitter....other reason why I need to find a great sitter- I can't trust my ex. At this point, he will be visiting with them one day a weekend and one evening. But I have now seen how he handles them- he doesn't. If he holds E, he is on his phone. He puts E down at the earliest possible point, leaves the room or doesn't respond to her cries. He has absolutely minimal connection with X, so much so that X has started to ignore him and not care when he is not around. And I have been careful and tried to encourage them to spend time together. It hasn't happened, because his father doesn't want it to and soon, X won't want to even if he does.
She was only here for a few days, but the kids flourished and came to love her so quickly- due in part to the fact that she noticed them. She engaged with them and set boundaries with them and played. They desperately are searching for more of that. I give them me. As much of me as I can muster, sometimes more than I can possibly give.....but having another person give themselves too makes me better and makes the kids better. And my kids and I deserve that full time. However, its good to know that while I am waiting for that person, my friends and family will fill the gap along the way.

The waiting Game

I hate to wait. Once my mind is made up, that's it for me. So waiting is hard. Right now, I am waiting on two things: my separation agreement and the answer to my letter for Disappeared's father.
My separation agreement isn't such a hard wait. I know it's coming along and should be signed by the middle of next week....couldn't happen fast enough. My ex continues to get over due notices and I want to untangle myself from him financially as fast as humanly possible. His physical presence in my house makes me furious. He does nothing to help and doesn't interns with E or X unless specifically asked, and even then he is on his phone. I will not miss him, and doubt he children will.

The letter is harder. I have sent mail to Disappeared at his dad's place before and nothing ever happened. Time has passed and this is addressed to his dad and is not asking for anything other than if he is happy or not....but there are many unknowns. I don't know if a Disappeared and his father talk, if his father still lives there full time or just vacations, when the letter will arrive.....if his father will get back to me or just write it off as crazy. There is a lot I don't know.

My cards tell me to trust and t believe and I am trying to. All I want is an answer, though I would be lying if a small part of me wasn't hoping for a reunion. It's more important to my process just to move forward, so just an answer would allow me to let it go.
Today marks seven business days since I sent the letter........so now it's an actual possibility. After all this time, knowing anything would feel like a gift.

Inspiration

So, I have always had a love of movies and television- since I was a kid. Several of these shows have given me hope and inspiration so I thought I would share them.

Gilmore Girls- not only is Lorelai a tremendous single mom with a quick wit, rockin' style and an independence and strength that is quite familiar to me. Luke Danes and Dean have always been examples of the type of man I would want my kids to grow up with.

Practical Magic- the love that the main character tries to avoid and later finds is something I carry in my heart every day.

Serendipity- strangers meet and share an amazing night and an inexplicable connection, then reunite later after much life lived.....well, it had to get its inspiration from somewhere....

Say Anything- there is a quote in the movie that I have often told my young male students "don't be a guy. Anybody can be a guy. Be a man."

Parenthood- I have the best parents and extended family- and so does this show. They are making the divorce possible, they made buying my current house possible. I got married in their back yard. I am so excited to find someone ( like Joel) to eventually have big family events with- just like the Bravermans clan.

That's all for right now :) 

'Disappeared'

I went to a huge university, though my department was small. I was followed by my high school boyfriend, who was a tool. During Frosh Week I went to an all Frosh event and as my boyfriend and I navigated through the sea of humanity, a Frosh boss walked into my path. I announced, out loud, " I am going to marry that boy". I was shocked- so was my boyfriend.
It was weird, and random....and got stranger when I walked into my assigned class and found out that this stranger was my supervisor.
I was drawn to him. He was quick witted, pushed my buttons, teased, tormented and taught me. We spent a good deal of time together. I almost told him how I felt but found out he had a girlfriend. I remember walking through our food court with my boyfriend and seeing him with his girlfriend, we just watched each other. It was very odd.
My boyfriend and I broke up, my crew was over and I wrote off my crush as unattainable- he was taken. At then end of the year I went down town by myself for the first time. I was feeling strong and independent-confident. On my way back, Disaapeared was on my bus. He moved forward and we talked. He told me he was happy I had broken it up with my boyfriend as he was a tool. I remember being surprised he knew and also pleased. Disaapeared was going to switch schools and move away, so we hugged and away he went.
I thought it was over.
In September I returned to school as a Frosh Boss. On the last night of training we had a social with another residence and he walked in. There were big hugs and we discovered we were taking class together. There was lots of flirting in class and he often tried to connect with me when we saw each other out- I thought he was just being a friend and he was still with his girl.
New semester started, I barely saw him. Then on one of the final nights out, I saw him. We danced. We went outside to chat and he invited me to a going away party downtown. He was graduating. I accepted. We went back inside and danced, then he kissed me. That kiss knocked me off my feet- I almost fell over but my friend caught me. I finally felt it....that over the moon, insane, intense feeling I have only read about- and I wasn't drinking.
I went to the party. He came home with me. I discovered he was still with his ex. I showed him the door, but he didn't go through it. He kissed me, carried me back inside. The next morning he asked for my number, I asked what the point was since he wouldn't use it.....he did. He came back that day. He called often, sometimes in the middle of the night. He asked me not to go home- but I had a job. One if our last days we rode the subway together and I got this strange feeling, I said " I won't see you again" and he said " don't be silly, I will always find you." Then I had to watch as the subway carried him away from me. I saw him once more after that and had a few phone calls before he got a touring job and he disappeared.
I heard for him once after that....I got drunk and called his brother who passed on my number. He left a message near my birthday and that was it. I don't even have a picture.

I waited....for years. I prayed, I begged, I searched ( a lot, he has a frustratingly generic name) and I truly believed he would come back. He never did. I stopped trusting myself and my gut....this was the wrong thing to do. I didn't look at what he gave me, just what I lost. He set that bar so high that I figured nobody could measure up so I stopped demanding that they did- I settled. So silly.

I should have used it. Used it as an example of what it feels like to be in love and never settled for anything less, not ever. So now I won't. I deserve that feeling, that intensity, that magic...the love that they talk about in Practical Magic " a love that time will lay down and be still for".

Thanks for giving me an incredible standard for my future.

The beginning

This blog is just for me. If someone reads it, then I hope they get something out of it....but it's really about me. Why not keep a journal? My hope is that by blogging, I will force myself to be honest and not leave out important things I am learning.

My husband left me. He stated he doesn't love me anymore, and maybe never did......we have been married for almost five years and together for nearly seven. I was five years his senior and had major reservations when we met, but I was in  bad place and wàs just thrilled to be in a ' normal' relationship with a sweet person. He proposed after three months, we were married two years later. I thought I had found a partner I could count on, and while I wasn't head over heels, I thought we had a love that could grow and strengthen with time- it didn't.
We have two children, E is almost one and X is three. Was I surprised- about the reason yes, but not the end. We have had problems for a long long time. Why bring in children? Because the problems were fewer and further between  and not love related when I was pregnant,  but quickly escalated during my second pregnancy.
Last August I had told my ex that we needed to fix things and that I would do the work and commit to solving our issues for a year, after which we would renegotiate- we didn't make the year.

That's the background. Why did I settle for less than that crazy head over heels over the moon feeling? Because I had been hurt....a lot. During the last year I have a lot if time for self examination and this self preservation and taking the safe road has been there most of my life. It stems from a low self esteem and low self worth that has looked for validation in guys- believing for many years that I was less than and trying to find someone to tell me I wasn't. I tend to date losers who are a bit broken so I can help put them back together, and have always tried to make any relationship " work", even if I wasn't that in to it. That's just crazy, but I had such low self confidence that I worried that I would never find anyone who I was crazy about and should just be happy with what I could get. This led to some very silly and desperate behaviour as I tried to salvage relationships that I should never have been in the first place. ....that led to a lot of self loathing.

I touched a true connection to someone once or twice. In one case he disappeared, the other didn't want the same things. The first has set a high bar, which I should have used to uphold a standard but I didn't- more on that later.

So I find myself single and more self aware and of course my marriage didn't work because I settled out of fear and self loathing....sad...pathetic, but it's what happened. My ex has his own reasons but that is his business. I tried as much as anyone could but too much of my trust had been damaged and you can't force someone to love you....so his declaration of lack of love for me set me free. Can't try and save something that doesn't exist. But I can thank him, thank him for the opportunity to find true love and to learn to love myself.

What I gained are two beautiful children who are solely mine, and a chance. A chance at finding the love I always wanted, that I dreamed about, that I believe I deserve and that my children can use as an example. They deserve an amazing love to aspire to and a dad that is their hero.

Steps I have taken.....
So I have done four little things since becoming single nearly a month ago.....
1. I sent a letter to "Disappeared's" dad. This letter asks to know if he is happy and that is all. If he is, he was never suppose to be mine and I can move forward.....finally...after 13 years of searching, even closure would feel good.

2. I created a profile and searched on a dating site. I had two interested and gorgeous guys email me ( boost to self esteem) then stop upon seeing my picture ( stab to the self esteem). It got me down until I realized that that was ridiculous! Why would my true love not love all of me? These guys just narrowed the field, it wasn't personal and that set me free.

3.i reconnected with friends and have stopped hiding. No shame, no self loathing, no hiding.

4. I had a mentor do an angel card session. It was transformative. I have always been spiritual but have had only a couple of truly sacred experiences. As soon as T. Started the prayer for guidance I could feel the presence of people/Angels/goddesses pressing in all around. They reaffirmed much of the self knowledge I have stated above and pushed me to go deeper along this path of self actualization. They acknowledged my hurt and identified the wound left behind by Disappeared.....which will be healed one way or another. They have let me know that five years will see the expansion of my dreams and the resolution of my "broken" family. I am learning to believe and trust that again.

My father says I am becoming what everyone sees me as already. Maybe that's true, but what I am becoming is free- free from the lies and hurts I put upon myself. Freedom to create the life I dreamed of that I now believe I deserve.