Sunday, 7 June 2015

The beginning

This blog is just for me. If someone reads it, then I hope they get something out of it....but it's really about me. Why not keep a journal? My hope is that by blogging, I will force myself to be honest and not leave out important things I am learning.

My husband left me. He stated he doesn't love me anymore, and maybe never did......we have been married for almost five years and together for nearly seven. I was five years his senior and had major reservations when we met, but I was in  bad place and wàs just thrilled to be in a ' normal' relationship with a sweet person. He proposed after three months, we were married two years later. I thought I had found a partner I could count on, and while I wasn't head over heels, I thought we had a love that could grow and strengthen with time- it didn't.
We have two children, E is almost one and X is three. Was I surprised- about the reason yes, but not the end. We have had problems for a long long time. Why bring in children? Because the problems were fewer and further between  and not love related when I was pregnant,  but quickly escalated during my second pregnancy.
Last August I had told my ex that we needed to fix things and that I would do the work and commit to solving our issues for a year, after which we would renegotiate- we didn't make the year.

That's the background. Why did I settle for less than that crazy head over heels over the moon feeling? Because I had been hurt....a lot. During the last year I have a lot if time for self examination and this self preservation and taking the safe road has been there most of my life. It stems from a low self esteem and low self worth that has looked for validation in guys- believing for many years that I was less than and trying to find someone to tell me I wasn't. I tend to date losers who are a bit broken so I can help put them back together, and have always tried to make any relationship " work", even if I wasn't that in to it. That's just crazy, but I had such low self confidence that I worried that I would never find anyone who I was crazy about and should just be happy with what I could get. This led to some very silly and desperate behaviour as I tried to salvage relationships that I should never have been in the first place. ....that led to a lot of self loathing.

I touched a true connection to someone once or twice. In one case he disappeared, the other didn't want the same things. The first has set a high bar, which I should have used to uphold a standard but I didn't- more on that later.

So I find myself single and more self aware and of course my marriage didn't work because I settled out of fear and self loathing....sad...pathetic, but it's what happened. My ex has his own reasons but that is his business. I tried as much as anyone could but too much of my trust had been damaged and you can't force someone to love his declaration of lack of love for me set me free. Can't try and save something that doesn't exist. But I can thank him, thank him for the opportunity to find true love and to learn to love myself.

What I gained are two beautiful children who are solely mine, and a chance. A chance at finding the love I always wanted, that I dreamed about, that I believe I deserve and that my children can use as an example. They deserve an amazing love to aspire to and a dad that is their hero.

Steps I have taken.....
So I have done four little things since becoming single nearly a month ago.....
1. I sent a letter to "Disappeared's" dad. This letter asks to know if he is happy and that is all. If he is, he was never suppose to be mine and I can move forward.....finally...after 13 years of searching, even closure would feel good.

2. I created a profile and searched on a dating site. I had two interested and gorgeous guys email me ( boost to self esteem) then stop upon seeing my picture ( stab to the self esteem). It got me down until I realized that that was ridiculous! Why would my true love not love all of me? These guys just narrowed the field, it wasn't personal and that set me free.

3.i reconnected with friends and have stopped hiding. No shame, no self loathing, no hiding.

4. I had a mentor do an angel card session. It was transformative. I have always been spiritual but have had only a couple of truly sacred experiences. As soon as T. Started the prayer for guidance I could feel the presence of people/Angels/goddesses pressing in all around. They reaffirmed much of the self knowledge I have stated above and pushed me to go deeper along this path of self actualization. They acknowledged my hurt and identified the wound left behind by Disappeared.....which will be healed one way or another. They have let me know that five years will see the expansion of my dreams and the resolution of my "broken" family. I am learning to believe and trust that again.

My father says I am becoming what everyone sees me as already. Maybe that's true, but what I am becoming is free- free from the lies and hurts I put upon myself. Freedom to create the life I dreamed of that I now believe I deserve.

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