Sunday, 7 June 2015


I went to a huge university, though my department was small. I was followed by my high school boyfriend, who was a tool. During Frosh Week I went to an all Frosh event and as my boyfriend and I navigated through the sea of humanity, a Frosh boss walked into my path. I announced, out loud, " I am going to marry that boy". I was shocked- so was my boyfriend.
It was weird, and random....and got stranger when I walked into my assigned class and found out that this stranger was my supervisor.
I was drawn to him. He was quick witted, pushed my buttons, teased, tormented and taught me. We spent a good deal of time together. I almost told him how I felt but found out he had a girlfriend. I remember walking through our food court with my boyfriend and seeing him with his girlfriend, we just watched each other. It was very odd.
My boyfriend and I broke up, my crew was over and I wrote off my crush as unattainable- he was taken. At then end of the year I went down town by myself for the first time. I was feeling strong and independent-confident. On my way back, Disaapeared was on my bus. He moved forward and we talked. He told me he was happy I had broken it up with my boyfriend as he was a tool. I remember being surprised he knew and also pleased. Disaapeared was going to switch schools and move away, so we hugged and away he went.
I thought it was over.
In September I returned to school as a Frosh Boss. On the last night of training we had a social with another residence and he walked in. There were big hugs and we discovered we were taking class together. There was lots of flirting in class and he often tried to connect with me when we saw each other out- I thought he was just being a friend and he was still with his girl.
New semester started, I barely saw him. Then on one of the final nights out, I saw him. We danced. We went outside to chat and he invited me to a going away party downtown. He was graduating. I accepted. We went back inside and danced, then he kissed me. That kiss knocked me off my feet- I almost fell over but my friend caught me. I finally felt it....that over the moon, insane, intense feeling I have only read about- and I wasn't drinking.
I went to the party. He came home with me. I discovered he was still with his ex. I showed him the door, but he didn't go through it. He kissed me, carried me back inside. The next morning he asked for my number, I asked what the point was since he wouldn't use it.....he did. He came back that day. He called often, sometimes in the middle of the night. He asked me not to go home- but I had a job. One if our last days we rode the subway together and I got this strange feeling, I said " I won't see you again" and he said " don't be silly, I will always find you." Then I had to watch as the subway carried him away from me. I saw him once more after that and had a few phone calls before he got a touring job and he disappeared.
I heard for him once after that....I got drunk and called his brother who passed on my number. He left a message near my birthday and that was it. I don't even have a picture.

I waited....for years. I prayed, I begged, I searched ( a lot, he has a frustratingly generic name) and I truly believed he would come back. He never did. I stopped trusting myself and my gut....this was the wrong thing to do. I didn't look at what he gave me, just what I lost. He set that bar so high that I figured nobody could measure up so I stopped demanding that they did- I settled. So silly.

I should have used it. Used it as an example of what it feels like to be in love and never settled for anything less, not ever. So now I won't. I deserve that feeling, that intensity, that magic...the love that they talk about in Practical Magic " a love that time will lay down and be still for".

Thanks for giving me an incredible standard for my future.

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