Thursday, 18 June 2015

Letting Go

 I have waited. I have waited for 13 years, some of that passively, some actively. I waited and searched and tried to forget and waited and searched some more. Why? Because I felt more in moments with him then I did in the years I spent with others. Some of that might be the rosy gleam of nostalgia, but a lot of that is real. I gave up once, gave up trying to find it because nothing came close and I got tired. But I won't give up again- but I will let go.
I am letting Disappeared go. His father couldn't be bothered to send me a simple email, phone call or letter that said " he is happy" and I have since found out which province he is in, that he is not on Facebook, and that he was still married three years ago. That might be all I get. And I have to find a way to be okay with that. My intrinsic belief that our souls are connected and that we are meant must be laid down if I ever hope to be happy and find a love that felt as right as that one did.
I suppose it is strange to write more about an affair that lasted a few weeks, instead of a marriage that lasted 5 years, but one taught me what love was and the other what it wasn't. I signed my separation papers and they will be filed tomorrow. While a bit sad, I feel more lonely by the mere fact that I don't feel anymore alone then I did married. I do, however, feel more me.
My goddess deck keeps urging me to trust and let go- so I will. I will let go and hope that my belief will lead me to something bigger, something beautiful, something that I don't have to lose and look for because it's found me and it's mine. So here is to taking a breath and letting go.

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