Yesterday was a holiday so it didn't sink in, as we spent the day with my parents having a vacation. Today was the day it hit me- I am alone. Sure, I have the love and support of family and friends, but at the end of the day it's just me and my two babies. It's hard work!! I should be working out right at this second but I am tired. So I taking a minute to reflect and hoping, praying really, that everything in my angel session comes true. Today it's hard to see it. It's also hard to see that a miracle is coming, but I need to believe it.
It may not be very feminist and girl power of me, but my whole life I have wanted to fall in love. A love so big, it can be a haven in a storm and a net when I fall. It has occurred to me that I have had flashes or moments when I sort of felt it- but I have never really experienced it. My marriage was a constant free fall- having the rug ripped from under me every time I finally felt like I could take a breath- and my other relationships were short lived and tumultuous. Admittedly, a lot of that was my fault. Still, I really have a hard time with trusting the universe and coming to grips with not knowing what is ahead of me. Maybe why I held so hard to the idea of Disappeared, he was something familiar when all the familiar was ripped away. Or maybe it was that big, and beautiful. Whoever walks in the door the next time will truly deserve to and will provide my kids with the person they are missing. Until then, I will learn to deal with the loneliness and the difficulty and the tired- because my kids deserve the world and I will be damned if they miss out just because we are missing a dad.