Friday, 27 January 2017

Desperately Seeking Sanity

I went home yesterday and cried. Then I sucked it up and went for a run and did a work out.....and cried.  I cried and cried and cried. I am not normally a person who lives with my emotions slow close to the surface. I normally can cope. But I can't. Not right now. So I cry.

I thought about the circle I am stuck in, how i must work in my current position because I am the sole provider. But how I need to upgrade so I can land a permanent position so we are more financially stable, but have no money or inclination to further my training in a job I do not love and that is becoming increasingly difficult to do.

There is a masters program I would love to take, but it's expensive and over seas and i don't think I can get the supports I need to take it. It would boost my salary in my current field, and open doors to new avenues I might enjoy. Maybe I could get a student loan......something to look in to.

I cried because, while I am happy for my sister, I am devastated for myself. Finally, she has it all. The perfect job, husband, life, friend, town, and now a baby. She has succeed where I have failed. She is perfect and golden and my parents are ridiculously proud of her. For a long time I contented myself with being the "nice" one who did as she was told, and then I had the kids so my parents were happy about that. Now I am just a disappointment. Doing what I thought they wanted led me to being trapped and now I truly have become the practice child that paved the way for perfection. Mom doesn't mean to glow and have more fun with my sister-she just does. I cried because she would deny it, but I know that its the truth. I am a disappointment to them and to myself too.   I cried because it hurts my mother so much to know that I am in crisis and then I feel guilty for being that way.

I cried because I have turned into the kind of parent I didn't want to be. Emotional, a yeller, a guilt-tripper. I am overwhelmed and exhausted and burnt out. My children deserve so much more than that and my daughter needs me to be more than that. Lately I have been so intensely angry at their father because he stuck me to deal with everything-including the divorce- and lives a much more simplistic existence. And yes, I KNOW I am lucky that I got the kids all to myself and they are a blessing. But they are also killing me by imperceptible degrees as I desperately try to succeed at something-chiefly, being their mom.

I cried because I can't tell if I am actually in love or have every been. I don't know what it feels like but I am so scared of screwing up further that I have blocked that possibility off for someone who makes me happy because I am scared of living with the disapproval and disgust of my family-just one more thing that I have failed at. Pathetic. My fear of failure is so acute that I am afraid to be brave.
I do choose to be with this person because he makes me safe, cared for and comforted. And i desperately need a port in a storm.

I cry. All the time. Silently. Visibly. Inside. Outside. All the time. I cry, and I hope that through the tears, some of these things will wash away and some of the pressure that is slowly crushing me will float down stream. Until then, I cry.

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