This week we have dealt with pneumonia, cancellations and a faulty alarm. But I am here. I do not feel 100% and wish I had a vitamin C drop for my water, but we're here. We're in one piece and we're functioning....sort of.
My son, X was very sick this week and it really brought home for me that-ultimately-I am completely alone. I mean, really, really alone. i need to grow my circle or I am going to be really stuck the next time something horrendous happens.
It also scared my a lot, as I don't think I have ever seen my child so ridiculously ill and felt so helpless. I hope it's never worse than that. It was hard to watch and was very frightening. But he is better now, and it's like that weekend didn't happen.
I am concerned. Concerned I am allowing my friend to be more than that because I am too tired and too lonely to fight it. I used to be so certain it was not what I wanted but it doesn't feel the same this time I am scared,
I also missed being held and supported and having someone understand me enough to just be there for me in whatever I need. I am becoming addicted and need to push it away, because i know his addiction isn't going anywhere and I don't want to live my life waiting to be disappointed.
I don't know my heart. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't work because I don't get attached to the men that I am seeing....not really. Not since.....I brush myself off and move on. I don't feel that thing and maybe I never will. The prospect of doing the parenting thing alone for my whole life is exhausting and lonely and I feel that loneliness, deeply. Which is probably why I cling to the comfort of a person I am safe with. I am weak and also human in that.
I am also lost. Lost in my career which doesn't seem to be progressing but slipping backward. Struggling if I should invest in a future that i am not really interested in or go in a different direction. How can I change jobs with my kids depending on me? How can I stay with no job security and the knowledge that the system is broken without much hope of being fixed. How do I keep going when I am barely holding it together?