Friday, 6 January 2017

Filling My Own Gaps

After two phone calls, where nothing was said and even less was unsaid, and having him choose a day of smokes and gaming over seeing me-even when we knew he wasn't going to have much time off-it has become clear. He likes his life the way he likes his life, and I like my life the way I like my life. We have hardly anything in common, although share similar taste in movies and television, we just don't line up.

So why can't I end things? Why can't I pull the plug and be kind? Because. I have never ended a relationship with anyone really, certainly not one that is filled with laughter and sweetness, like ours is. It's a pretty thing, our relationship, but it's a pretty thing without much substance and that's just not sustainable. I am going to give it a couple of weeks, but I don't want to go away with him because that's not fair with me feeling this way.

I will not be pursuing another relationship for quite sometime. I am keeping eharmony, because I paid and it's not invasive, but I am taking a break and focusing on me and my family. This should be easy to do for February when my best friend and his wife are here, but difficult for the rest of the time...until it's not difficult any more.

I can't keep looking. If he is out there, he has to start looking for me. And I certainly am not going to find him on POF or Tinder. I want a guy with his shit together, and generally, those guys have full lives and aren't using the internet. Or if they are, they are really really sneaky about it.
Its not going to be easy. I established the pattern of looking for a mate in my 20's, but it's hurting my kids. I don't want them to attach and then realize that this person isn't the right person and have them lose people, all over again. But I want to protect them better, so I have to be better and be okay with maybe never falling in love.

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