Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Getting Sorted

Counselling is going well, even though i have had only one session. I like both my counselors and we have worked through a lot so far.
I am a little bit sad, especially lately. My relationships with my "friend" is done. He has flipped out given me an ultimatum even though he knew how fragile I was. Even though he sent my a message for Valentines, it is still over. He just wants what he can get out of me and his version of "caring" isn't enough or healthy.
Its a shame too, as we identified my mother's approval as one of my issues and I stood up to her about him. I told her what he and I shared was not her business and that I was sorry if it disappointed her. She let me know in no uncertain terms that he would never ever be a friend to her or part of her family or welcome at family events.
Its the season of "love" and I feel further away from finding that than I have for a long time. Part of me wants to go on a dating site but it would be for the attention and another part of me is very adverse to looking at all. Its all the same schmuck and all the same garbage and I don't have the energy. I am so much more than I was previously. I know I am a catch, I just want to find that same level back. I don't think, for once, that I am overvaluing myself. I feel like, for once, I am finally expecting to and wanting to find the same level of great from someone else.....and I don't know if I am ever going to find it-not because I am just so wonderful-but because that love is rare and I am somewhat broken from trying. So I am not trying.
My job is a mess and I am trapped but I can't fix it right now so I have to take a breath and go through. Hopefully my path will start to clear as I move towards a permanent solution.

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