It has been about a week since I decided to focus on me and the kids. Things I have notice-It has not helped my stress or my patience but those things are do to cash flow and exhaustion. It has made me more present with my kids. I can tune in better, be more spontaneous, and after they go to bed I am getting things done. I am enjoying them more and noticing things more.
The play I am about to present will have lovely sets because I am taking the time to prepare the pieces and plan out how they look and what I want them to be. I am sleeping better on most nights.
I am not anxious any more and not scared to be myself when I do talk to people. I am more honest and not afraid of them going away because if they do then they aren't the guy for me.
I am more authentically that way in my regular life too. Being unwilling to be a victim of bad behavior means that I am unwilling right across the board. This means big changes and BIG choices. It has led me to giving a script I have held for a year to someone I like but had distanced myself from because someone else didn't like her. And I think it could be a good project for both of us. She is the mom of two, and so am I, and she will understand and feel connected to the material.
I am not 100% happy yet but I am finding my way back to that. Last year I was joyous to be out of the marriage and frantic and determined to make a good life on my terms. I was relieved and it translated to happiness. This year, the happiness is harder to find as the reality of my life settles in-but the happiness is deeper felt and more genuine because it's been won and earned by my own hand and my own choice-and that's something that hasn't happened in a long time.