A New Year

It's been about a year since i last saw my ex. In that year I have had two online relationships that ended in sudden ghosting and hurt feelings. Dated one guy who, at 44, couldn't figure out how he felt about me so I had to end it; Dated another guy who was fantastic and who I thought I might fall for, until he disappeared and ghosted me; Was in a long term on and off again relationship with a toxic guy who I finally feel I am done with; and had countless conversations with many guys who either wanted to chat about sex pretty explicitly or would not commit to a date.

I also single parented my kids, ran my company and grew my company, worked full time, grew as a person and got some closure about past relationships.

I learned a lot. One of the things I learned the most about was myself and my relationship with men. I discovered this year that I am an alpha. I have learned what that means and I am okay with it. I am becoming so okay with it that I am warning potential suitors up front. I have also started just pulling the plug on things early, when I know its not right. This has had me labelled as "pushy", "too honest", "bitchy" and I am sure "Crazy". But the difference is, I am not 22, or 28 or 30 and I am not just dating for me. I am dating for three.

When I started this journey, I had a three and one year old. I wasnt worried about exposing them to people I dated (they only met the mess), because they are used to meeting new people and they were so young they didnt get it. But things are different now. My son idolizes his male soccer coach (the same age as a dad), and his sitters husband, and random guys that are dad age that we run into. The last time I had the Mess over, my son cried after we had dropped him off. He sees others with a nuclear family and he desperately wants one. And God Damn it, I want to give him that!!

I am not sure what has happened, if dating has always been this horrible, if people have always been this cruel and apathetic or if I have just been out of the scene too long, but I am genuinely sick of asshats who ghost, who arent really looking for much beyond a hookup. This instant gratification society makes me frustrated. Its not who I am and its not behavior I will put up with.

I am self sufficient, a whole person, strong and resilient, and I am doing okay. If a guy wants to step to me, he damn well better be prepared to step up in every. My kids deserve that, and so do I. Pushy? Demanding? You bet I am and I will continue to be until i find the person that makes it unnecessary to be that way.