Friday, 23 September 2016

Jettison the Judgement and the Anger

My lawyer finally wrote me (it's been since July). Basically he advised to not bother trying to get the money that was stolen back, and just focus on getting those papers signed and sent back. So the ex is being served and I should know by the end of next week if I can sign and get the official "divorce" certificate. I might frame the thing.

The hiatus is still on. To add fuel to my decision, Golden Eyes (alcoholic ex), is spouting negative drivel and suggested we don't talk anymore, and someone I was speaking to last year is now taking out a friend. I messed up there. He is gorgeous and seems like a good guy, but I blew him off in favor of the above mentioned ex. Pretty dumb.

I have come to the, not so startling, realization that my impatience as led me to date some real losers instead of the embracing the silent dignity and quiet happiness of life with my little ones. So i am checking back in and have stopped using guys to escape from the everyday loneliness that permeates my life. Yes, it has only been a few days-but the clarity is what is important.

That clarity was sort of rudely dumped on me. I went looking for a community of support and I joined a single woman's community online. I made the a post as suggested by the community and BAM, a woman poured her judgement all over me. She suggested I should focus my time and effort on my kids for the next few YEARS. Immediately I was angry! How could this woman,who does not know me, presume to make judgement about if I was ready to date or not and imply that looking for a guy was some how detracting from my kids! I am a full time Mom, my kids get everything I have. But as I fumed, I also thought. And the thinking led me to this-I was using the search for someone and the conversations that followed as an escape from my own loneliness. This led me to settle and that is something I just won't do anymore.

No effort, no convo. I am done playing dumb and having long drawn out conversations with guys I am just not that into. None of these jackasses want to meet, so maybe i am not suppose to meet them right now. So although I do not agree with what the woman said or how she said it-I am taking time off.

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