'Tis the Season

So.....it's been awhile.....
My amazing children prepare for the best time of year to be and have children....I have been feeling very unchristmasy until today. Partly it's the weather. It's mild and grey and doesn't feel Decembery, let alone Christmasy. Partly it's the realization that really, nothing is very different from last year and shouldn't it be? I still did all the holiday shopping, still handled the decorating and the advent.....
My parents offered to join me here on Christmas Eve after the kids were in bed.....but I hadn't even thought of it because most Christmas Eve's I spent alone doing stockings anyway.
Since last time I wrote I have taken on a man friend. He is exactly what I need right now, but it can only be for right now. He has problems with alcohol and, while the chemistry is amazing, I just don't feel that deep romantic stirring I am looking for.
He knows. He is doesn't agree, but he knows.
Turns out, despite me being careful, my parents know that he is more than a casual friend and they are weirdly fine with it. Both of them went through a divorce, so I suppose it shouldn't be a shock, but it was. It feels great that they trust and support me enough to not be judgemental about it. Strange days.
So that proclamation of support and generous snuggle time from both my kids has rekindled my feelings of Christmas and now I can start to get excited about what is coming. My life is very different and it feels good to be happy.

The Long Goodbye

Almost two weeks ago I told Irish that we were on a deadline. I do not want to be his pillowy landing for the exit of his relationship, or his partner in cheating, or his rebound. I want my partner to choose me, not just someone. I don't need the negative karma. So two weeks of chatting to get reacquainted and test if there was still something there seemed reasonable.
Long story short, there is something there.
So I have to walk away, knowing that there is something real. It's brutal, but it's necessary. If he is really supposed to be mine, he will find me. However, he isn't ready and I can't be a penpal in hopes he will eventually be mine. I need more.
If I walk now, I won't carry negativity into things if he comes back. If I don't, I will always know I contributed to the end of a relationship, that I helped him be dishonest, and might not ever trust him. That's no way to be.
So, the moral high ground might be rocky, but it's right....and hopefully will lead to happiness.

Alone and tired

I told Irish goodbye tonight...or farewell. I just couldn't do it. I know me. I am going to develop feelings, big ones, and he is not free. Also, if he cheats on his partner, he isn't the man I believed him to be and I want to believe he is. So I told him that we shouldn't talk until she knows what's going on. Until he speaks his heart and until he figures things out.
This means I may lose him, but if that's the case then he wasn't supposed to be mine in the first place. He may find renewed love with her, or chest with somebody else. But I can't be the one. It's harder than I expected. I feel really sad that this is how it has to be- but it does. I can't shake the guilt and extreme sadness for his partner and kids. I have been where they are. Being lied to hurts so bad. The truth is a release.
Golden eyes is gone too. I would be sad, but no spark.
So I am lonely and quiet and for tonight, a little sad. But proud of myself too.

Door Slammed Shut, Windows Blown Open

So Builder Boy was a HUGE baby. Not only did he just stop talking to me when he met someone, he didn't even tell me then blocked me when I confronted him. And I think he came into MY town the very weekend we were supposed meet. Quite the coward in the end, luckily I found out before I fell.

I was very very upset....then the universe quirked up. They brought back into my life a former flame....let's call him Irish. Irish and I dated for about a month. I credit him with being one of the only people who ever treated me well. We broke up because he had a friend admit feelings for him. He felt the need to explore that and I respected him. He is a father and with someone, though he is not in love any longer. I don't know if this is a second chance or just a chance to be a friend to one who needs it-but I will let the universe lead......cause there is a second player...or so I hope.

Golden Eyes was a friend of a friend who I discovered when online dating the first time but I messed it up. Setting karma back, I apologized....expecting nothing. We have been sending a message a day and he surprises me. So....universe...two second chances which might not be.....but we'll just let things fall as they may.

What do I hope happens? I hope to fall in love with somebody who loves me back. Might be neither of these two, or it might be one.....have to wait and see how things play out....kinda exciting.

Untamed

I spent some time today with one of my mentors. She is everything I believe a woman should be and her path on this earth was to guide and help others find their way. She is a beacon and she helped guide me to my true happiness.
I am on the edge, and I have been avoiding speaking my heart and mind outloud because I am scared it will jinx it. As if saying what I truly want would make the universe snatch it away. But I am not so scared anymore. So I will say it-I believe in fate. I believe in it firmly. I believe that the universe responds in kind when you find your real path, when you are heading down the right road and it continues to bask you in the light of that rightness.
My mentor and I talk a lot about white light, about positive energy and I am throwing as much of it as I can out into the universe right now. I am starting to trust. That trust is building confidence....in my career choice, but also in my burgeoning relationship.
When I started this dialogue with Builder Boy, I was hella insecure. I had no centre and was terrified that I would screw up. I kept pushing him away or giving him outs, or being needy. Now I do what I want and I have stopped worrying it will bother or scare him. It's solid, as solid as a penpal can be, and my need to be in constant communication has eased because, while I love talking to him, a lot of that was the need for reassurance and ego petting. Sure, I get insecure sometimes still, but at my core I feel warmth and truth and kinship. And right now, it's meant. What it's meant for or what will be is not clear, but it was supposed to be.  So I will let my wildness out, my revolutionary and risky beliefs flap free- if anonymously- I believe in fate and that the puzzle pieces are falling into place for me.

The breath before the fall

It's October. I have been a single woman for five months. I have been doing for myself, living my life and I am the happiest I have been in my whole life. This journey of self discovery, of getting to know me and allowing who I am to be happy has been so big. There is uneasiness as I learn to take risks and learn to believe the universe will catch me. But the universe is catching me. It's not always how I planned or exactly what I wanted, but it's close.

My theatre classes aren't full, but they are fun! I feel happy every time I step into the room with those kids. Subbing has started, and I have really pushed myself to contact all I know so that they will use me!

My kids are happy! They dance, they learn, they play, they are amazing! They are filled with love and laughter and I am learning to embrace the chaos that sometimes comes with trying to follow a schedule but also appreciating the moments. We are a unit, strong and united and real.

I am letting someone in. Someone who hasn't followed the pattern of everyone that has come before. Someone who I like as a person, who is kind and hard working and funny and real. Someone who might not be here for forever, but is the type of person who I hope to stay forever with. Someone who has earned enough trust from me that I am feeling safe enough to not need constant reassurance or second guess everything they tell me. I needed to learn that these people, good people, are out there in the world and sometimes what they say is exactly what hey mean. I needed to trust and if that's all I gain from this, then it will be a lot.

I like who I am, how I look and what I have to offer. I believe in myself and what is going on with me and I will continue to work on it and respect the process. I won't hide anymore.

So I enter the fall, my favourite season, powerful, alive and thankful. Thankful to everyone who made this journey possible and who is coming with me- it's going to be an awesome ride!

The Answers to the Questions

Well, two outta four isn't bad. The two big problems have been resolved with minimal fuss and the two little problems are little and until we are actually dating, I am not bothered.
He admitted to having Facebook, just not using it much and hating it. That's confirmed, he rarely posts....and has probably creeped me as much as I creeped him.
The disappearing, he also explained and it's cool for now. Hopefully he quits that if we start dating.
We have been talking for almost two months, it'll be two once we meet. At this point, we both need the meet so we have something worth talking about. 10hours a day couldn't last forever and it's unfair to use him as a distraction from my daily life. Now that work is picking up for me, it will be better.
Genuinely liking someone and having lots in common is a strange and interesting turn for me. Doesn't seem like that novel of a concept, but it is. All my past relationships I tried to make work, I never truly knew the guy first ( except in the cases of dating my friends). If this all falls apart, it'll still have taught me something- there is no need to settle and no need to rush.
Falling for someone happens in seconds, really loving who they are takes time. And I want that. I want someone who loves me enough to take time, cause I am worth it.