Balancing Act

It has been a long, long time since I wrote. Years? So why the change? Why return to this format? Cause I have a voice, and while I don't have anyone close to share my experiences with- maybe someone will see this and it will help them.
Little update? I am a single mom of two. My kids are 7 and almost 5, we have been the three of us for 4 years. I have uncontested full custody and their father decided to have 0 contact after he left. I am a teacher, but not a permanent one, so I have to reapply every year and hope I get something, and I run a community theatre company.
Back to the now: I have been dating via online dating since my divorce, and it was how I met people before my marriage as well....so a good decade. I did it because I live in a small town and wanted to increase the chance of meeting some one. I have met a number of people- but something is missing.
As I have found my self worth, through working out and meditation and much soul searching, meeting people online feels flat. It's surface and often highly dissatisfying and sometimes scary. True, I have met a couple of men I actually enjoy and view as friends, but the magic I am looking for - that deeper connection- it's absent.
It doesn't feel right anymore. So this week I stopped. Doesn't seem that big of a deal, but choosing to walk away comes with a good deal of fear and FOMO.
Fear and FOMO: I how am I, a busy single mom, ever going to meet the man of my dreams but ceasing to look? I might as well admit defeat and face the rest of my life alone. What if I leave and the person I am supposed to be with never can find me.

My reality: in the decade of online dating, I haven't found what I am looking for. Most of my friends that have met their partners met them by accident. If I am ever going to trust in my own power and the power and law of attraction and synchronicity, I need to blindly trust that the universe will bring what's needed in my life in the right time.  It's not going to be easy, fighting my fear, but I am going to document my progress and let you know if I am able to find the magic I seek.
My dad reminded me the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results. So I am changing what I do.