Alone and tired

I told Irish goodbye tonight...or farewell. I just couldn't do it. I know me. I am going to develop feelings, big ones, and he is not free. Also, if he cheats on his partner, he isn't the man I believed him to be and I want to believe he is. So I told him that we shouldn't talk until she knows what's going on. Until he speaks his heart and until he figures things out.
This means I may lose him, but if that's the case then he wasn't supposed to be mine in the first place. He may find renewed love with her, or chest with somebody else. But I can't be the one. It's harder than I expected. I feel really sad that this is how it has to be- but it does. I can't shake the guilt and extreme sadness for his partner and kids. I have been where they are. Being lied to hurts so bad. The truth is a release.
Golden eyes is gone too. I would be sad, but no spark.
So I am lonely and quiet and for tonight, a little sad. But proud of myself too.

Door Slammed Shut, Windows Blown Open

So Builder Boy was a HUGE baby. Not only did he just stop talking to me when he met someone, he didn't even tell me then blocked me when I confronted him. And I think he came into MY town the very weekend we were supposed meet. Quite the coward in the end, luckily I found out before I fell.

I was very very upset....then the universe quirked up. They brought back into my life a former flame....let's call him Irish. Irish and I dated for about a month. I credit him with being one of the only people who ever treated me well. We broke up because he had a friend admit feelings for him. He felt the need to explore that and I respected him. He is a father and with someone, though he is not in love any longer. I don't know if this is a second chance or just a chance to be a friend to one who needs it-but I will let the universe lead......cause there is a second player...or so I hope.

Golden Eyes was a friend of a friend who I discovered when online dating the first time but I messed it up. Setting karma back, I apologized....expecting nothing. We have been sending a message a day and he surprises me. So....universe...two second chances which might not be.....but we'll just let things fall as they may.

What do I hope happens? I hope to fall in love with somebody who loves me back. Might be neither of these two, or it might be one.....have to wait and see how things play out....kinda exciting.

Untamed

I spent some time today with one of my mentors. She is everything I believe a woman should be and her path on this earth was to guide and help others find their way. She is a beacon and she helped guide me to my true happiness.
I am on the edge, and I have been avoiding speaking my heart and mind outloud because I am scared it will jinx it. As if saying what I truly want would make the universe snatch it away. But I am not so scared anymore. So I will say it-I believe in fate. I believe in it firmly. I believe that the universe responds in kind when you find your real path, when you are heading down the right road and it continues to bask you in the light of that rightness.
My mentor and I talk a lot about white light, about positive energy and I am throwing as much of it as I can out into the universe right now. I am starting to trust. That trust is building confidence....in my career choice, but also in my burgeoning relationship.
When I started this dialogue with Builder Boy, I was hella insecure. I had no centre and was terrified that I would screw up. I kept pushing him away or giving him outs, or being needy. Now I do what I want and I have stopped worrying it will bother or scare him. It's solid, as solid as a penpal can be, and my need to be in constant communication has eased because, while I love talking to him, a lot of that was the need for reassurance and ego petting. Sure, I get insecure sometimes still, but at my core I feel warmth and truth and kinship. And right now, it's meant. What it's meant for or what will be is not clear, but it was supposed to be.  So I will let my wildness out, my revolutionary and risky beliefs flap free- if anonymously- I believe in fate and that the puzzle pieces are falling into place for me.

The breath before the fall

It's October. I have been a single woman for five months. I have been doing for myself, living my life and I am the happiest I have been in my whole life. This journey of self discovery, of getting to know me and allowing who I am to be happy has been so big. There is uneasiness as I learn to take risks and learn to believe the universe will catch me. But the universe is catching me. It's not always how I planned or exactly what I wanted, but it's close.

My theatre classes aren't full, but they are fun! I feel happy every time I step into the room with those kids. Subbing has started, and I have really pushed myself to contact all I know so that they will use me!

My kids are happy! They dance, they learn, they play, they are amazing! They are filled with love and laughter and I am learning to embrace the chaos that sometimes comes with trying to follow a schedule but also appreciating the moments. We are a unit, strong and united and real.

I am letting someone in. Someone who hasn't followed the pattern of everyone that has come before. Someone who I like as a person, who is kind and hard working and funny and real. Someone who might not be here for forever, but is the type of person who I hope to stay forever with. Someone who has earned enough trust from me that I am feeling safe enough to not need constant reassurance or second guess everything they tell me. I needed to learn that these people, good people, are out there in the world and sometimes what they say is exactly what hey mean. I needed to trust and if that's all I gain from this, then it will be a lot.

I like who I am, how I look and what I have to offer. I believe in myself and what is going on with me and I will continue to work on it and respect the process. I won't hide anymore.

So I enter the fall, my favourite season, powerful, alive and thankful. Thankful to everyone who made this journey possible and who is coming with me- it's going to be an awesome ride!

The Answers to the Questions

Well, two outta four isn't bad. The two big problems have been resolved with minimal fuss and the two little problems are little and until we are actually dating, I am not bothered.
He admitted to having Facebook, just not using it much and hating it. That's confirmed, he rarely posts....and has probably creeped me as much as I creeped him.
The disappearing, he also explained and it's cool for now. Hopefully he quits that if we start dating.
We have been talking for almost two months, it'll be two once we meet. At this point, we both need the meet so we have something worth talking about. 10hours a day couldn't last forever and it's unfair to use him as a distraction from my daily life. Now that work is picking up for me, it will be better.
Genuinely liking someone and having lots in common is a strange and interesting turn for me. Doesn't seem like that novel of a concept, but it is. All my past relationships I tried to make work, I never truly knew the guy first ( except in the cases of dating my friends). If this all falls apart, it'll still have taught me something- there is no need to settle and no need to rush.
Falling for someone happens in seconds, really loving who they are takes time. And I want that. I want someone who loves me enough to take time, cause I am worth it.

Hiccups and Heartaches

Nothing is perfect. It's good, because it keeps us interesting. I know this and I am not looking for perfect, just perfect for me. On paper, Builder Boy fits the bill.....but recently four things have come up that made me go from falling to paused- two are little, two....not so much.
1. He doesn't ever ask how I am, or how things went for me. He responds well when I tell him, but he doesn't ask.
2. He rarely compliments me.....it's not a big deal but if I send a picture and there is no comment.....kinda rude.
3. He lied or mistyped...and I don't know if it's how I interpreted it or an actual lie. He said he didn't have or or didn't use Facebook......but he does.....I would ask him....but......
4. He disappears on weekends....completely. He doesn't return texts, he is MIA. He has never said anything about this but it's more often than not and he never explains...but I have never asked. If he comes back, I will ask.

Do these four things add up to distruction of what we have built? No. But they do put a big flashing caution sign on it, no matter how you look at it. I want to love like I have never been hurt and fall into something deep and beautiful, but that doesn't mean being an idiot. Trust and feeling secure are my two issues and because I am trusting the new person with the lives of my children, it needs to be rock solid from the beginning.
If he evades or his answers stink, I gotta cut him loose. It's going to hurt cause it was two months of discovering someone's mind and heart, but i can't build something else on a foundation of sand.

At Arms Length

When I split with my ex, I wrote a list. A list of qualities and fundamentals I needed from a partner. When I had a few disasterous online dating experiences, I quit and lost myself in books instead. There I found the men, however unrealistic, that I longed for. One novel particularly hit home, so much so that I wrote to the author to thank her for giving me hope.
Then I met Builder Boy-builder man really. Well not met, was in contact with...am in contact with....I wrote about him last time I blogged.
He fits the list, he mirrors the book in an eerie kind of perfect way and he gets me. Somebody told me he wAs just an ordinary looking dude....he might be....but he does it for me physically, emotionally and intellectually and he does it big time.
We have a date picked out, it's a month away....but that's okay. My head needs some time. This should not be happening now, I shouldn't be feeling so much for a stranger. But he tugs at me. How many guys can quote Land Before Time? How many can keep a girl with a busy brain interested for weeks of conversation.
I want to fall for him. I want us to meet and have that moment when two souls recognize what's going on. The click, the dive, the racing hearts and raging hormones. I want that with him. I want to protect him and have him want to protect me. And I worry. He says little to me about how he feels. He rarely compliments me and rarely messages me first. Boy thing? Maybe. Or could he be just using me for ego boosting,....maybe.
I am edgy. When someone hands you what you have always wanted it's hard to believe they are not going to snatch if away again,