Hold my Fear while I do Me

This year has been a lot about me making strong and steady moves towards my self improvement. Some were easy, switching to earth friendly products for cleaning and makeup, some were not, I have stopped using sugar in my coffee Monday-Friday and switched to oat milk. While I had hoped these changes would suddenly see me dropping weight and revealing the shiny, gorgeous girl within- they didn't. They are good choices though, and probably will show results in the long run, so I am sticking with them.
Cutting out online dating has been the hardest. My phone and iPad and pretty quiet now, due in part to my lack of close friends and my new unwillingness to bs. I am learning that is ok. I am coming to terms with a lot of the fear, and making decision based on how it will serve me and the kids later. I am not missing out any more, maybe my life was just missing the celebration of me.

Balancing Act

It has been a long, long time since I wrote. Years? So why the change? Why return to this format? Cause I have a voice, and while I don't have anyone close to share my experiences with- maybe someone will see this and it will help them.
Little update? I am a single mom of two. My kids are 7 and almost 5, we have been the three of us for 4 years. I have uncontested full custody and their father decided to have 0 contact after he left. I am a teacher, but not a permanent one, so I have to reapply every year and hope I get something, and I run a community theatre company.
Back to the now: I have been dating via online dating since my divorce, and it was how I met people before my marriage as well....so a good decade. I did it because I live in a small town and wanted to increase the chance of meeting some one. I have met a number of people- but something is missing.
As I have found my self worth, through working out and meditation and much soul searching, meeting people online feels flat. It's surface and often highly dissatisfying and sometimes scary. True, I have met a couple of men I actually enjoy and view as friends, but the magic I am looking for - that deeper connection- it's absent.
It doesn't feel right anymore. So this week I stopped. Doesn't seem that big of a deal, but choosing to walk away comes with a good deal of fear and FOMO.
Fear and FOMO: I how am I, a busy single mom, ever going to meet the man of my dreams but ceasing to look? I might as well admit defeat and face the rest of my life alone. What if I leave and the person I am supposed to be with never can find me.

My reality: in the decade of online dating, I haven't found what I am looking for. Most of my friends that have met their partners met them by accident. If I am ever going to trust in my own power and the power and law of attraction and synchronicity, I need to blindly trust that the universe will bring what's needed in my life in the right time.  It's not going to be easy, fighting my fear, but I am going to document my progress and let you know if I am able to find the magic I seek.
My dad reminded me the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results. So I am changing what I do.

Getting Sorted

Counselling is going well, even though i have had only one session. I like both my counselors and we have worked through a lot so far.
I am a little bit sad, especially lately. My relationships with my "friend" is done. He has flipped out given me an ultimatum even though he knew how fragile I was. Even though he sent my a message for Valentines, it is still over. He just wants what he can get out of me and his version of "caring" isn't enough or healthy.
Its a shame too, as we identified my mother's approval as one of my issues and I stood up to her about him. I told her what he and I shared was not her business and that I was sorry if it disappointed her. She let me know in no uncertain terms that he would never ever be a friend to her or part of her family or welcome at family events.
Its the season of "love" and I feel further away from finding that than I have for a long time. Part of me wants to go on a dating site but it would be for the attention and another part of me is very adverse to looking at all. Its all the same schmuck and all the same garbage and I don't have the energy. I am so much more than I was previously. I know I am a catch, I just want to find that same level back. I don't think, for once, that I am overvaluing myself. I feel like, for once, I am finally expecting to and wanting to find the same level of great from someone else.....and I don't know if I am ever going to find it-not because I am just so wonderful-but because that love is rare and I am somewhat broken from trying. So I am not trying.
My job is a mess and I am trapped but I can't fix it right now so I have to take a breath and go through. Hopefully my path will start to clear as I move towards a permanent solution.

Desperately Seeking Sanity

I went home yesterday and cried. Then I sucked it up and went for a run and did a work out.....and cried.  I cried and cried and cried. I am not normally a person who lives with my emotions slow close to the surface. I normally can cope. But I can't. Not right now. So I cry.

I thought about the circle I am stuck in, how i must work in my current position because I am the sole provider. But how I need to upgrade so I can land a permanent position so we are more financially stable, but have no money or inclination to further my training in a job I do not love and that is becoming increasingly difficult to do.

There is a masters program I would love to take, but it's expensive and over seas and i don't think I can get the supports I need to take it. It would boost my salary in my current field, and open doors to new avenues I might enjoy. Maybe I could get a student loan......something to look in to.

I cried because, while I am happy for my sister, I am devastated for myself. Finally, she has it all. The perfect job, husband, life, friend, town, and now a baby. She has succeed where I have failed. She is perfect and golden and my parents are ridiculously proud of her. For a long time I contented myself with being the "nice" one who did as she was told, and then I had the kids so my parents were happy about that. Now I am just a disappointment. Doing what I thought they wanted led me to being trapped and now I truly have become the practice child that paved the way for perfection. Mom doesn't mean to glow and have more fun with my sister-she just does. I cried because she would deny it, but I know that its the truth. I am a disappointment to them and to myself too.   I cried because it hurts my mother so much to know that I am in crisis and then I feel guilty for being that way.

I cried because I have turned into the kind of parent I didn't want to be. Emotional, a yeller, a guilt-tripper. I am overwhelmed and exhausted and burnt out. My children deserve so much more than that and my daughter needs me to be more than that. Lately I have been so intensely angry at their father because he stuck me to deal with everything-including the divorce- and lives a much more simplistic existence. And yes, I KNOW I am lucky that I got the kids all to myself and they are a blessing. But they are also killing me by imperceptible degrees as I desperately try to succeed at something-chiefly, being their mom.

I cried because I can't tell if I am actually in love or have every been. I don't know what it feels like but I am so scared of screwing up further that I have blocked that possibility off for someone who makes me happy because I am scared of living with the disapproval and disgust of my family-just one more thing that I have failed at. Pathetic. My fear of failure is so acute that I am afraid to be brave.
I do choose to be with this person because he makes me safe, cared for and comforted. And i desperately need a port in a storm.

I cry. All the time. Silently. Visibly. Inside. Outside. All the time. I cry, and I hope that through the tears, some of these things will wash away and some of the pressure that is slowly crushing me will float down stream. Until then, I cry.

When its All Upside Down

This week we have dealt with pneumonia, cancellations and a faulty alarm. But I am here. I do not feel 100% and wish I had a vitamin C drop for my water, but we're here. We're in one piece and we're functioning....sort of.

My son, X was very sick this week and it really brought home for me that-ultimately-I am completely alone. I mean, really, really alone. i need to grow my circle or I am going to be really stuck the next time something horrendous happens.
It also scared my a lot, as I don't think I have ever seen my child so ridiculously ill and felt so helpless. I hope it's never worse than that. It was hard to watch and was very frightening. But he is better now, and it's like that weekend didn't happen.

I am concerned. Concerned I am allowing my friend to be more than that because I am too tired and too lonely to fight it. I used to be so certain it was not what I wanted but it doesn't feel the same this time I am scared,
I also missed being held and supported and having someone understand me enough to just be there for me in whatever I need. I am becoming addicted and need to push it away, because i know his addiction isn't going anywhere and I don't want to live my life waiting to be disappointed.

I don't know my heart. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't work because I don't get attached to the men that I am seeing....not really. Not since.....I brush myself off and move on. I don't feel that thing and maybe I never will. The prospect of doing the parenting thing alone for my whole life is exhausting and lonely and I feel that loneliness, deeply. Which is probably why I cling to the comfort of a person I am safe with. I am weak and also human in that.

I am also lost. Lost in my career which doesn't seem to be progressing but slipping backward. Struggling if I should invest in a future that i am not really interested in or go in a different direction. How can I change jobs with my kids depending on me? How can I stay with no job security and the knowledge that the system is broken without much hope of being fixed. How do I keep going when I am barely holding it together?

Old Habits or New Beginnings?

I have been faced with a conundrum. Do I let someone back in, or do I keep them away? Pros: I like their company, I enjoy their interactions with my kids. Cons: they are unpredictable and i don't want to fall back into old habits.
I have changed a lot, and so has he. We both have agreed that our friendship is more important than anything physical that might happen, and nothing can alter our friendship. We are committed to making the friendship work. I am not looking for more than that right now with anyone, and he isn't either. But we have been down this road before and it's gotten very sticky.
The easiest thing is to take the physical stuff right off the table. But we are good at it, and we both miss that aspect of things when we aren't seeing someone. Is it possible to keep our friendship safe while being intimate physically?
Lots to think about and lots to consider.

Pieces of Me-Learning to Make a Whole

I ended it. Not the way I wanted, I had to message because he wouldn't pick up his phone. Boy, was it ever the right choice. He turned out to be fairly chauvinistic, emotionally stunted, and kind of a baby about the whole thing. Sort of feel like he might have been cheating after all. But I did it. I got rid of something that wasn't bad for me, but just not the right thing for me. And I feel really positive about it.
I am a little lonely. But I started a new book, focusing on my health, getting my affairs in order and ultimately just moving forward with my life. Without anyone else in it.
Its not easy. I am unhooking from my devices and being more present with my kids. I haven't had the field this clear in a long time. Normally, I would be right back in the saddle-looking for a new conquest. But I don't want to. My need to fill that emptiness, just isn't there this time. I want to fill it with other things.
To be fair, I am in contact with one guy from before I started seeing The Mountain. This guy lives in a different province but we have an insane amount in common and I really held off telling him I was seeing someone, because I didn't want to lose him. However, since I have been off the market-he has started to talk to someone else. So I am not overly hopeful. I am trying to trust that if it's supposed to happen-it will. And if it's not, then I don't need to invest a ton of time hoping it will. He wants to talk to me-I am all about it. If he doesn't, I will live. Right now, it does make me check my messages a billion times a day....but with conscious effort-this too shall pass.
My goal is to make a little extra money and take myself to a luxurious hotel with a spa. I want to get a hotel room, soak in a hot tub, get a massage and pedicure and eat a delicious meal. Sounds like heaven.